lately ive been really struggling with life...with faith...with believing in what is good...what i should follow...and then there are all the who's...

who i follow...
who i believe...
who i trust...

one of those eureka moments has happened over the past week or so...its not really been a certain one...but maybe a multiple of events that have opened my eyes to things about myself that i havent realized before...this morning during church i journalled these thoughts (my pastor and friend steve was teaching on faith this morning...and last night my best friends ben and rachel and their father steve (my pastor) along with my sister and i talked together about faith and so on...):

i have little faith because i'm a cynic. i don't believe in anything but myself, and even in me i doubt. i dont believe in true power, for i believe it is all corrupt and i doubt any real goodness from the "powerful" (i simply doubt all good and kind actions)...i dont want anything from them (the "powerful") because i'm afraid of being used and manipulated...

this is much of my trouble (and my struggle)...you could catagorize me as a traditional cynic...you know the type...not trusting anything...doubting all...and not really believing in much...

this fact troubles me...and those of you who know me (i really dont think i have an audience here...but heck...untill that time comes im going to pretend i do), you might not think that im cynical or that i really dont belive in much...thats because ive spent much of the last 19 years of my life trying to prove to this world that i have it all together and i effort myself into everything that will convince each person individually that i am perfect (to their standard)...so that means to some i am one thing...to others an entirely different...and in this i have used transparency and false humility to convince those around me of myself...

its kind of funny that what i fear the most is being used and manipulated and those are the things i do the most and am most talented at...this control and manipulation are simple devices to distract from my cynicism and unbelief...the reality is that i havent wanted to believe or trust...i fear...and therefore i dont have faith

im beginning to find out that fear cannot be present, doubt cannot be present if we are to have faith...we must trust God fully...believe in Him fully...that is what faith is...

Matthew 21:
21Jesus replied, "I tell you the truth, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and it will be done.
22If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer."

but Lord, you are good, you are faithful, why cant i trust you? for that is the key to faith. i dont want to fear this anymore, i want to let go of dissapointment and manipulation. help me Father, give me faith--that i would trust you.

"he who angers you controls you"

thus read one of the many church signs i drive by all the time...i cant escape church signs...they are a distict part of southern "bible belt" culture and im sure a cultural element for much of the states...

anyways...along the lines of church signs there are ones that make me smile, laugh, think, and then those that anger and frustrate...most of the time however i misread them and think them rediculous...o the joys of being dyslexic...then however there are those that make me squurm (yes, i like the second u...and i couldnt help but spelling it like that)...you know the ones that you just have to say, "hmm...is that right?"...and then you laugh, knowing its just another church sign...

"he who angers you controls you"
--hmmm...is that right?-- i had such a problem with this one as i read it coming home from work about a week ago...i couldnt get around the underlying message in this...the way i read it, is that something that controls you is apparently evil, or if not that, then you are sinning to be controlled by it...
i was really unhappy with this message because i dont believe that being angry is a sin...and thus if someone angers me...heck, he's not making me sin...and heck no, he's not controlling me...

lately ive been debating in my head what is the reality of emotion and connectedness...and what effects us and touches us and changes us...

"as humans...what do we let interact with us intimately?"
this has been the posing question forming over and over and why in the world do we allow such things...are they good for us? to feel certain ways...to be dissapointed...to be sad...to be angry...to absolutely feel lost...to not know for certain what is going on...or what should for that matter...

"feelings...as feelings...emotion...is that sin?"
so as these debates have filled my head...ive really been painfully experiencing emotion lately...and my actions havent always been that great...returning challenges with hurtful retorts...tearing those around me down...keeping them distant...pushing myself from feeling...

"why?"
i feel myself wondering this alot...i fear being known...and knowing for that matter...but here lately, ive felt...and thats been good (more like great)...but my reaction to emotion has not been that of acceptance and endurrance...ive on the other hand rebelled and ran from feeling...i hide from emotion the moment i interract with it...and in those connections of feeling which have been everywhere for me lately...i find myself angry...

"angry or controlled?"

so this morning i got to really sleep in...it was amazing...11 or so, longest of the summer...and i couldnt of been happier...well i definately could be...

you see at 6:45 i got up to see Christy off...once again she leaves and i stay...

its a tough world to live away from love...or atleast away from the one i love...

well life moves...and so does god...its a cool thing...but not always easy...

what holds us together...moving us forward...lifting us up and giving us joy...

there is life in pain...life in peace...life is everywhere...i ask for life...

what consumes us...filling our minds with desire...making us sacrifice all...

passion is pain...and pain passion...



as i sit here doodling my thoughts in my living room...my parents are watching a movie...i aught to be going to bed...but anyways whatever they're watching is quite sad...religiously sad...but what i just heard made me laugh inside...so thus i shall share it with you...
"you know whats worse than drinking to forget?"
"no, that i dont know"
"forgetting to drink...yes, thats a bloody hell"



sorry for the distraction...but i feel the moments im most alive are when i smile...not always on in the outside...but the inside...you know the joyeous feeling...thats where i am right now...

so today i was able to interract with God...along with my sister rachel, ashlyn, and my brother (more of a spiritual father) steve...its a wonder why i dont fill my days with conversations such as these...i look for things like this often, but how often do you find yourself chatting with two friends and your pastor...its actually becoming more frequent for me...but to experience it again was a real treat...pastors should spend more time with us other folk in the congregation in preparation for sermons/teachings/whatever you like to call the Sunday message...a humble heart...the heart of a servant...

i love the fact that my pastors are accessible as well as hungry for community...im learning that nothing separates us from our pastors...Gods grace covers us so much...

ive never been happier in my relationship with Christy...the love of God does amazing things...i am joyous