lately ive been really struggling with life...with faith...with believing in what is good...what i should follow...and then there are all the who's...

who i follow...
who i believe...
who i trust...

one of those eureka moments has happened over the past week or so...its not really been a certain one...but maybe a multiple of events that have opened my eyes to things about myself that i havent realized before...this morning during church i journalled these thoughts (my pastor and friend steve was teaching on faith this morning...and last night my best friends ben and rachel and their father steve (my pastor) along with my sister and i talked together about faith and so on...):

i have little faith because i'm a cynic. i don't believe in anything but myself, and even in me i doubt. i dont believe in true power, for i believe it is all corrupt and i doubt any real goodness from the "powerful" (i simply doubt all good and kind actions)...i dont want anything from them (the "powerful") because i'm afraid of being used and manipulated...

this is much of my trouble (and my struggle)...you could catagorize me as a traditional cynic...you know the type...not trusting anything...doubting all...and not really believing in much...

this fact troubles me...and those of you who know me (i really dont think i have an audience here...but heck...untill that time comes im going to pretend i do), you might not think that im cynical or that i really dont belive in much...thats because ive spent much of the last 19 years of my life trying to prove to this world that i have it all together and i effort myself into everything that will convince each person individually that i am perfect (to their standard)...so that means to some i am one thing...to others an entirely different...and in this i have used transparency and false humility to convince those around me of myself...

its kind of funny that what i fear the most is being used and manipulated and those are the things i do the most and am most talented at...this control and manipulation are simple devices to distract from my cynicism and unbelief...the reality is that i havent wanted to believe or trust...i fear...and therefore i dont have faith

im beginning to find out that fear cannot be present, doubt cannot be present if we are to have faith...we must trust God fully...believe in Him fully...that is what faith is...

Matthew 21:
21Jesus replied, "I tell you the truth, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and it will be done.
22If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer."

but Lord, you are good, you are faithful, why cant i trust you? for that is the key to faith. i dont want to fear this anymore, i want to let go of dissapointment and manipulation. help me Father, give me faith--that i would trust you.