so tonight i re-enter the world of blogging...its been a long time...too long...but I'm back and I pray that I push through and find some consistency.

tonight I haven't been able to fall asleep...something that has been killing me the past week as ive set myself up on a ridiculous sleeping schedule...falling asleep between 3-4 is not something i want to keep up with...unfortunately tonight its biting me in the butt and I'm still up...this will be short as i hope to make another effort at sleep soon.

I was thinking the other day about a song I heard sometime ago...i think this song was on a commercial...maybe not, it was probably on the radio...i think that's what it was...i heard it this past weekend...
It was U2's "In God's Country"...I want to post the lyrics:

Yeah

Desert sky
Dream beneath a desert sky
The rivers run but soon run dry
We need new dreams tonight

Desert rose
Dreamed I saw a desert rose
Dress torn in ribbons and in bows
Like a siren she calls to me

Sleep comes like a drug
In God's Country
Sad eyes, crooked crosses
In God's Country

Set me alight
We'll punch a hole right through the night
Everyday the dreamers die
See what's on the other side

She is liberty
And she comes to rescue me
Hope, faith, her vanity
The greatest gift is gold

Sleep comes like a drug
In God's Country
Sad eyes crooked crosses
In God's Country

Naked flame
She stands with a naked flame
I stand with the sons of Cain
Burned by the fire of love
Burned by the fire of love

Lately U2 has been screaming for my attention. I have a social activist friend who absolutely loves them...we spent a week together at the beach a few weeks ago on Spring Break and so we listened to alot of U2...David pulled apart their lyrics and gave detailed descriptions of when and why the songs were written. It was cool and the band pretty much rocks so I'm starting to get hooked (and on another note they plan on putting out a new cd soon...so rock on my U2 fans!)

The song "In God's Country" is powerful...to me its these types of songs that describe the deteriorating facets of our country that grip me the most. not that I have a great deal of love for my country...in fact i really don't have much love for the U.S. to the A...but these songs that grab my attention are those that paint the painful picture of who we are as people...looking for love...longing for life. It's the lyrics that say, "we are human, we are hurting...we need something more than what we've created"...and then to specify the American spirit..."we Americans have missed the mark and are worse than the rest of the world"...these are the things that I love...though I'm not always sure where the answers lie...I'm sure they are not in humankind and I do believe in this thing we call Love.

To end tonight I pray this simple prayer:

Lord Jesus Christ, son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.

lately ive been really struggling with life...with faith...with believing in what is good...what i should follow...and then there are all the who's...

who i follow...
who i believe...
who i trust...

one of those eureka moments has happened over the past week or so...its not really been a certain one...but maybe a multiple of events that have opened my eyes to things about myself that i havent realized before...this morning during church i journalled these thoughts (my pastor and friend steve was teaching on faith this morning...and last night my best friends ben and rachel and their father steve (my pastor) along with my sister and i talked together about faith and so on...):

i have little faith because i'm a cynic. i don't believe in anything but myself, and even in me i doubt. i dont believe in true power, for i believe it is all corrupt and i doubt any real goodness from the "powerful" (i simply doubt all good and kind actions)...i dont want anything from them (the "powerful") because i'm afraid of being used and manipulated...

this is much of my trouble (and my struggle)...you could catagorize me as a traditional cynic...you know the type...not trusting anything...doubting all...and not really believing in much...

this fact troubles me...and those of you who know me (i really dont think i have an audience here...but heck...untill that time comes im going to pretend i do), you might not think that im cynical or that i really dont belive in much...thats because ive spent much of the last 19 years of my life trying to prove to this world that i have it all together and i effort myself into everything that will convince each person individually that i am perfect (to their standard)...so that means to some i am one thing...to others an entirely different...and in this i have used transparency and false humility to convince those around me of myself...

its kind of funny that what i fear the most is being used and manipulated and those are the things i do the most and am most talented at...this control and manipulation are simple devices to distract from my cynicism and unbelief...the reality is that i havent wanted to believe or trust...i fear...and therefore i dont have faith

im beginning to find out that fear cannot be present, doubt cannot be present if we are to have faith...we must trust God fully...believe in Him fully...that is what faith is...

Matthew 21:
21Jesus replied, "I tell you the truth, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and it will be done.
22If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer."

but Lord, you are good, you are faithful, why cant i trust you? for that is the key to faith. i dont want to fear this anymore, i want to let go of dissapointment and manipulation. help me Father, give me faith--that i would trust you.

"he who angers you controls you"

thus read one of the many church signs i drive by all the time...i cant escape church signs...they are a distict part of southern "bible belt" culture and im sure a cultural element for much of the states...

anyways...along the lines of church signs there are ones that make me smile, laugh, think, and then those that anger and frustrate...most of the time however i misread them and think them rediculous...o the joys of being dyslexic...then however there are those that make me squurm (yes, i like the second u...and i couldnt help but spelling it like that)...you know the ones that you just have to say, "hmm...is that right?"...and then you laugh, knowing its just another church sign...

"he who angers you controls you"
--hmmm...is that right?-- i had such a problem with this one as i read it coming home from work about a week ago...i couldnt get around the underlying message in this...the way i read it, is that something that controls you is apparently evil, or if not that, then you are sinning to be controlled by it...
i was really unhappy with this message because i dont believe that being angry is a sin...and thus if someone angers me...heck, he's not making me sin...and heck no, he's not controlling me...

lately ive been debating in my head what is the reality of emotion and connectedness...and what effects us and touches us and changes us...

"as humans...what do we let interact with us intimately?"
this has been the posing question forming over and over and why in the world do we allow such things...are they good for us? to feel certain ways...to be dissapointed...to be sad...to be angry...to absolutely feel lost...to not know for certain what is going on...or what should for that matter...

"feelings...as feelings...emotion...is that sin?"
so as these debates have filled my head...ive really been painfully experiencing emotion lately...and my actions havent always been that great...returning challenges with hurtful retorts...tearing those around me down...keeping them distant...pushing myself from feeling...

"why?"
i feel myself wondering this alot...i fear being known...and knowing for that matter...but here lately, ive felt...and thats been good (more like great)...but my reaction to emotion has not been that of acceptance and endurrance...ive on the other hand rebelled and ran from feeling...i hide from emotion the moment i interract with it...and in those connections of feeling which have been everywhere for me lately...i find myself angry...

"angry or controlled?"

so this morning i got to really sleep in...it was amazing...11 or so, longest of the summer...and i couldnt of been happier...well i definately could be...

you see at 6:45 i got up to see Christy off...once again she leaves and i stay...

its a tough world to live away from love...or atleast away from the one i love...

well life moves...and so does god...its a cool thing...but not always easy...

what holds us together...moving us forward...lifting us up and giving us joy...

there is life in pain...life in peace...life is everywhere...i ask for life...

what consumes us...filling our minds with desire...making us sacrifice all...

passion is pain...and pain passion...



as i sit here doodling my thoughts in my living room...my parents are watching a movie...i aught to be going to bed...but anyways whatever they're watching is quite sad...religiously sad...but what i just heard made me laugh inside...so thus i shall share it with you...
"you know whats worse than drinking to forget?"
"no, that i dont know"
"forgetting to drink...yes, thats a bloody hell"



sorry for the distraction...but i feel the moments im most alive are when i smile...not always on in the outside...but the inside...you know the joyeous feeling...thats where i am right now...

so today i was able to interract with God...along with my sister rachel, ashlyn, and my brother (more of a spiritual father) steve...its a wonder why i dont fill my days with conversations such as these...i look for things like this often, but how often do you find yourself chatting with two friends and your pastor...its actually becoming more frequent for me...but to experience it again was a real treat...pastors should spend more time with us other folk in the congregation in preparation for sermons/teachings/whatever you like to call the Sunday message...a humble heart...the heart of a servant...

i love the fact that my pastors are accessible as well as hungry for community...im learning that nothing separates us from our pastors...Gods grace covers us so much...

ive never been happier in my relationship with Christy...the love of God does amazing things...i am joyous

simplicity is a concept i thought i had begun to grasp...as a lifestyle...

but as a belief...thats another thing...

the old testament shows me many things about God...many things that i do not understand...but one constant that stretches me...that pushes me...that asks me to think differently than the world around me...is God's simplistic approach to man...or man's simplistic approach to God...and that relationship...well, it's simple

i find in the Bible (and im sure you do as well) people who don't always do the right thing...and they are sometimes (may i say usually) the least religious...yet these people seem to have an amazing relationship with God...

its not the outward, but the heart...

these people obey God...that is what sets them apart...and thats what the Bible teaches us...what is most challenging to me is...well, why they obey God...it seems out of simple love...for God, for people, for family...they live righteously...and we know that no-one around them does...

people like noah...think of this...God had not given direct command to us humans...He hadnt greatly intervened into the world of men...at this point we were just wanderers trying to find a way of life worth living...and it seems that there is this one man who lives righteously...who is upright...and found right with God...

in a land where evil was rampant...where creatures of evil wandered the earth untamed (much like today)...but there was not the light of Jesus...there was not the light of Judah (that is the children of Israel)...there were not these things...yet Noah live righteously...

why?

i had a friend say to me that "even if Jesus wasn't the Son of God...even if there was no God...if everything we believe is not true...living the way of Christ...following his teachings and obeying Him...that is still the best way of life..."
i challenged him with..."but Paul said..."
...well i think we know what Paul said...that if everything we believe is not true...then we should eat, drink, and be merry...or something like that...living like there is nothing more than this moment and today...
but now i hear the words of my friend...and simplicity...righteousness...faith ...these words stick out to me...and i am asked how to live...i am asked to live by faith...

faith to me looks like righteous living...simple relationship of God lived out by obediance to Him and His Word...

i am not asked to live and act for any reason other than out of love...and out of faith...

for that is what is real my friends...that is reality...

you know the moments when everything comes together...when light happens to come over the horizon and you can see whats in front of you (not only do you see it...but it is beautiful)...it somehow establishes a presence of truth...you realize that truth hasnt changed...or hasnt altered its course...but instead, you can see it for the first time...you can call it your own (in a way)...its personal because it makes sense...not in the sense that says you understand it...no, in the way that mystery captivates us...moving us out of the need to understand and into appreciation...
so when this truth becomes clear...whether it is understandable or not...it is there and you know it...you are aware of its presence...and thats what deems itself worthy of the presence it takes...
right now i respect it...i appreciate it
many things just came together for me...light has revealed truth...and as painful as it is...i have only one response...

worship

"something is missing...what i need is an appreciation love...a posture in my life that forever lives in gratitude...this is the missing element...this is the only effective way of dealing with loneliness...this appreciation love only comes in worship" -Ravi Zacharias

well...while i was out of the country...Georgia decided it was time for summer

now that i am back...im glad that it is summer...i love heat

a reflection on last week:
well, here i am confronted with the glorious joy of family...i never thought id be meeting my second family as a 19 yr old...but love loves to shatter expectations and thoughts on the future...i am in constant shock of how life changes so fast...one year im graduating high school...the next im conversing on weddings with the parents...
its funny and ironic...gloriful no doubt...but in all truth i must settle down with my thoughts and have some self-de-briefing...you know...when so many things happen...you just need time to pray and think...
so instead of unloading my mind for you all im going to go stow-away in my room and enjoy the peace of my bed, my light, my books...of course sleep is not far away...

i experienced the most love ive ever experienced over the past week...especially the past 24 hours...
church this morning was the best service ive ever been to...God was there...it was amazing how so many people can gather together in His name to grow, pray, enjoy one-another, worship...all these things ive always wanted to see come together in a c hurch service...where young and old would become one in humility and truth...

His Kingdom is stronger because of WCC...and all that happened this morning.

i need to pray more